105 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
105 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
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title = 'Sadness'
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date = 2025-10-24T12:48:31Z
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draft = false
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Honestly, I don't know why I'm doing any of this. I really don't.
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I think for me this is a scape from reality.
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A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month.
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A scape from feeling used, or let's say abused if you will, and then thrown away.
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Just like a piece of trash.
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It's been hurting more and more.
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I've been lying to myself that I don't care.
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That I've moved on.
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I've been seeking validation ever since.
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The validation that was lacking during that encounter.
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The feeling of not being good enough.
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It's enough grieving though.
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But is it?
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I tell myself I have moved on.
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I'm not chasing.
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I'm really not.
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I do know that this was indeed the best that could've happened for me.
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I just dodged a bullet.
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But still, there is a part of me that hurts, that grieves.
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A part that doesn't want to move on.
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I told myself that I will meet new people, and forget.
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But then aren't I changing the problem?
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The problem isn't what is on the surface.
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It's something deeper.
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The fact that I feel lonely, scared, anxious.
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My anxious attachment, combined with overthinking, hurts me.
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I have to analyse and see the worse in every encounter.
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Like if I tell a group of friends that I won't go with them a few times, I will be removed from the group.
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That if everyone is busy, they have planned something together and I'm not invited.
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That if someone doesn't reply to me, they hate me.
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Or that if someone passes me and doesn't look at me or say a word, they don't want to see me, or don't want me around them.
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I don't know how to stop these.
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I started to do more home office for this very reason, but I wasn't that productive.
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I think my time, and life, is going to waste, and I don't know how to stop it.
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It's getting annoying.
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Taking SSRIs was supposed to help, but I guess it just made me not care during the process, and now that I'm far along I feel the extra stress I was neglecting.
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Things just don't feel right.
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I think I'm becoming depressed again.
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Those message passings, though they meant nothing, were extremely helpful for me not to feel lonely.
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I know if I initiate, I get responses back.
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Well, maybe not.
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Maybe my expiration date has passed.
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But then I would be chasing bread crumbs again.
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Those crumbs won't let me find a true good quality loaf of bread!
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They keep me distracted, and make me exhausted.
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But they also mentally help me.
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Maybe I should go for coffee at different times just not to meet this person.
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I don't know.
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I just know I'm hurting from within, and it's not nice.
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It's like internal bleeding.
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It's as painful as it gets.
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It's as hurtful as it gets.
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I know getting a pet could help me a lot at this point.
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All of the things I want I can get from a pet.
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Petting the pet, and caring for it are exactly what makes me feel good.
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But then I don't want the responsibility.
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Like with a human things feel less stressful, but with a pet it's scary.
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I'm more of a father to the pet.
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Uh...
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I can't even have a pet because of my house rules.
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I don't know what to do.
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What I know is that I'm mentally hurting, and I don't know what to do.
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I really don't.
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I need help.
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A lot of help.
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A lot lot of help.
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But I can't ask my friends.
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I just can't.
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They have their own problems.
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They think I'm weak.
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They will tell me to man up.
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Or they just show empathy.
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But I don't need empathy.
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I need a solution.
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I need to be told what to do.
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I need help.
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Help.
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... --- ...
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... --- ... ... --- ... ... --- ...
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... --- ...
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---
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{{< sigdl >}}
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