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+++ title = 'Setting Boundries' date = 2025-12-04T14:38:36Z draft = false +++
I was watching this video the other day. It's an interesting video imo. This is something I've been also dealing in my therapy sessions lately too. Why am I the way I am? Why do I case so much about what others think? Why do I keep giving my best to them, though they literally do not give the slightest of shit about me unless they need something from me?
Funnily enough, my therapist believes I do this as a survival mechanism. That it all comes from my childhood. Being born in a family with a high achiever dad, and brother, and being pushed to become better. Being compared to whoever was better than me in any regards all the time. The toxicity of this stayed with me throughout my life. I had to always be the best. I had to always try harder. I had to earn other's respect. Naturally that evolved into me becoming a people please. A so called "nice person". I've even been made fun of with those words.
All of it for earning the validation I never received for being myself as a kid. All of it for receiving conditional love. And now I'm broken. When people act cold with me, I assume they don't like me. Then I want to fix things. Then I become annoying. I look like an "anxiously attached" person.
But then there is a big part of me that wants to keep doing this. The problem is the second part. The part where I expect validation, but conditional validation. It's sad, and it's eating at my everything. I feel exhausted. I feel tired. I feel like every connection of mine is breaking apart. Connections I worked so hard to form. People I tried so hard to please.
So... I made a decision. To stay away from everyone. To make distance.
The doubt came in quickly. I became scared that I might lose my connections, the connections I truly adore, the connections I don't want to lose. But it's part of the healing process. I need to be able to create distance, and set boundries without fear of being abandoned. And if along the way I lose some people, maybe they were never really my friends in the first place?
The part I'm making mistake in is that everyone thinks something bad has happened. And they "probably" expect me to talk to them about it. Now this is the part I had to work on. The "setting boundry" part. I don't know if I can do it respectfully or not. I know I will break if I talk.
I don't really like to stay away from people, to push my friends away. But for now, I have to. I hope I won't regret any of these actions. I hope I can heal. I don't know what will happen next, I just know that I don't want to hangout in large groups for a while. I don't want to be happy. I want to mourn. I need to mourn. I hope I heal. I hope I won't turn into an incel. I know I won't. I know I push through. I know...
{{< sigdl >}}