mysite/content/posts/relationships.md

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title = 'Relationships'
date = 2025-10-05T08:03:31Z
description= "My experience so far with relationships"
draft = false
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> Notice: You'll hear me ranting in this post, so buckle up, or just go to another fun post. I am very vulnerable right now and want to put out my story without naming anyone.

So... do you also think you're a lover boy, kind, nice person? 
So do I! 
I think I'm actually really good at making friends with people. 
Like you know, you start introducing yourself, asking them some fun personal questions about hobbies or other stuff, and then you eventually start talking about other things. 

My problem is when things are to become more serious! 
Like, you know... connecting at a more emotional level. 
A "relationship". 
I'm really bad at those. 
In fact, I haven't ever been in one! 
Now let's be honest, I'm not your typical jacked, handsome boy, but I think I'm somewhere around the average if not higher a bit? 
Well, at least I hope so! :D

I actually haven't even dated once so far. 
My closest dating experience was something that turned out not to be a date, although most people I spoke to, were like... yea dude... it was a date buddy. 
Why do I say it wasn't a date? 
Well, because I was told so yesterday by her. 
That if it's a date, you're supposed to say it beforehand. 
I find that very fair actually. 
I really do. 
I wasn't even looking for anything more than a friendship from whatever these two weeks of interactions were, but things seemed abnormal. 
Like we planned a future together. 
We planned planting flowers, hosting Kareoki. We planned cooking/baking together for fun. We talked about me taaching her cycling since she said she was interested in it. And many many other things!  
We even found our "favorite shops" in the city together! 
It was weird! I'm so confused. 
I remember the second time we went out together, we sat next to the river and close to eachother. 
She leaned into me at some point. 
She had also touched my arm gently when making a joke earlier when we went shopping together. 
It felt weird. 
I did feel she was flirting with me, making plans with me. 
She sought my opinion on many things, the house she was considering moving into, color and design of the cushions for her house, and many other things. 
We also had many deep conversations in this short amount of time. 

But then it happened. 
Suddenly she messaged me saying how she is going to have a bf soon "hopefully". 
That others know him, but not me. 
That where we live there are not that many people. 
That supply is low, and demand is high. 
That this person asked her fast so that "the slots won't be filled". 
It was weird, as if she was telling me I'm going to be taken if you don't do anything...? 
After this weird encounter I talked to two of my friends, and my married brother and his wife. 
When she heard about our interactions and all of the messages we passed, she did feel like I've been friendzoning her. 
That I'm not resiprocating her feelings. 
That she perhaps has a crush on me.
Even my brother felt the same! 
My friend was a bit more unsure though, but he also felt like it could really be that she is playing games. 
With all honestly, in her messages when she was teaching me the "ways", she said "I don't play games and I also advise you not to get together with people that do so". 
Last time we went out together, one-on-one, many of the people we knew saw us together and some of them gave us looks that gave me more confidence that what I'm doing is normal and things are going well.
But I guess I was wrong?

I do want to talk about some things that we exchanged on this weird conversation that made me confused. 
She initially asked why I didn't go out with them last night. 
I had an exam on 7th, but we had planned two one-on-one going outs for 4th and 5th, hence the reason I skipped going out with a group of people rather to have less on my plate for those days we were going to hang out together. 
With all honestly I didn't even know she was joining them or not. 
It's kinda weird, but the plans were made in a group she was not inside of. 
Anyway. 

October 4th was a rainy day. 
She said she might be catching a cold, and that going out in this weather is maybe not a good choice.
She said let's go next weekend as the weather is better, and also that we can go out after work hours in weekdays. 
You see? She proposed a different time and date, she didn't just cancel last second. 
And then she started talking about last night, the things that happened. 
A guy apparently knew him, called her and then hugged her, and she insisted that she had only seen him once in Mensa last year and that she doesn't know him. 
Then she started talking about how there is so much gossip behind her back, and people who know those gossips are wrong do not speak up for her. 
And then she talked about how hard it is to be a girl, and how boys do not understand difference between flirting and being polite. 
Then she talked about how when two people see each other, a click can happen, and that's how you can know if you like someone or not. If it's two way ofc. 
I asked her what is this "click"? 
She said "you know when you know, and if you think you don't know then there isn't one". 
Interesting. 
My poor brain started looking back at our own interactions. 
I remembered how she smiled at me, leaned toward me, touched my arm, planned a future with me in it... 
And again I felt she is hinting something. 
Poor me was stuck between a rock and a hard place. 
She told me that if I like someone I should ask them on a date "early", as time is of essence. 
Again, I was confused. 
I was lost. 
We've been hanging out for two weeks, we have our favorite similar shops, hobbies. 
We have plans together. 
We understood eachother. 
Or maybe that's just how I felt in my mind? 
Maybe things in my brain are just different? 
I don't know. 

My sister in law told me that she probably had a crush on me and that I didn't reciprocate her feelings perhaps? 
That I'm friendzoning her by not touching her back or asking her out on a "date". 
Her reasoning is that she initiated all of this. 
She asked me to go to see the house she was considering renting, and then asked me to go out with her after that. 
She told me that I should invite her to a date. 
That I have to do something romantic now, maybe get flowers, and a gift. 
And I did just that. 
I messaged her talking about all of the good traits I had seen from her, her behaviour, and habits. 
And I asked her on a date. 

She said she enjoyed the company too, and thanked me. 
She then said she is starting a new relationship, but even if that was not the case, "we were so different from eachother at a much deeper level". 
That her "life experiecnes" are just different, "and so on". 
She did actually say "and so on". 

You know what it reminds me of? 
Of when your paper gets rejected by saying "lacks novelty". xD

Another extremely funny thing is that she said we're so different at a much deeper level, but she doesn't even know me. 
What was meant at a deeper level? 
I'm confused again. 
She definitly does not know my hobbies, most of my interests, my stories, my family, friends, nothing. 
She knew nothing about me. 
How are we different so deeply if you don't even know me? I'm so so incredibly confused. 
I guess it could be the looks, and the "vibes"? 
But again, I do think she did not have a more polite better reason but did want to provide some sort of an explanation so that I won't pursue her I guess? 
Idk. 

I want to also come back to this point she made that she is "starting a new relationship". 
She told me in the same conversation that someone asked her out (which she technically didn't even say this, but it could be induced), and that going on a date "does not mean you're in a relationship, that you want to know eachother". 
Her saying that "I said I'm starting a new relationship" hurt me, not because she is doing that, because she didn't technically tell me that. 
She then said "I always tell people this to avoid confusion". 
I definitly didn't miss it if she did. She didn't, but whatever. It's fine. I did apologize. 
The reason I say this is that some other guys we knew came up to her and she was encouraging them to go see other girls, but not me... 
Did I miss it? 
She didn't. Just trust me on this one. ;)

I'm just confused. 
The last three times I had a crush on someone I confessed too. 
First case was in a relationship which became awkward as she told her bf and he bullied me (drat!). 
Second case ended up in a tragedy that I do not want to talk about, lol! 
All I can say is that she definitly panicked and I don't blame her. 
I do think in her case she had avoidant attachment and my anxious attachment style made her uncomfortable. 
The third one said that she is in an "undefined state" of a relationship, and that she wants to keep it "friendly" in university, which is completely fair.
But this last one. 
This was the weird one. 
The first and third one were really sweet to me when I confessed/asked them out. 
The last one didn't even show interest about being friends, which is again totally fine. 
But I'm just so baffeled by all of this. 

So... yea. This last "thing", whatever it was, was my closest encounter with a relationship, and maybe it will be for a while. 
I do think I need to take a break from trying to get into a relationship. 
I've been hurt a lot by the second one, and this was just confusing. 
In her defence she was an amazing person. 
Smart, cute, kind, positive, jolly, witty, social, and her taste was just amazing. She also had deep knowledge in many things I was also interested in. Oh well. such is life!
I can't just say the good stuff though. She was definitly a bit self-centered. It's funny how she told me that "people say I'm so proud in a negative way, but anyone who talks with me knows I'm not like that". Which is true, she wasn't proud, the correct term is self-centered, or "narcissistic" if you will, which I don't neceserrialy think is bad, but it is definitly an orange/yellow flag. 

One thing I know is that I do wish her and whoever she dates the best! <3 
And that I would be ok to stay friends with her, but since I'm hurt, I will be much colder. 
Sorry. :) 
And another thing I know is that I will never think about her, or people like her romantically, or at least I try not to. 
Fast progression ends like this? 
But then maybe we never progressed? 
I don't know. 

Well. I don't know what's gonna happen next, but I'm going to just live my life and have fun. 
Aaaaaaaand maybe not worry about being single? 
Being single is fun too! ^^ You have so much freedom. I love to also work on myself a bit, lose some weight, do the sports I love, and make new friends. Maybe someday this hopeless romantic little lover boy won't be alone? Who knows? haha.

> P.S.: My therapist thought this relationship was abusive in essense, and the thing that happened in the end was purely seductive. I was chasing bread crumbs to be taken advantage of. I'm worth more than that. :) In my therapy session I remembered that in each of these so called "not dates" we had a conversation about "her", and she was dumping her emotional baggage on me, just like what happened this last time that confused me.

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{{< sigdl >}}