108 lines
8.7 KiB
Markdown
108 lines
8.7 KiB
Markdown
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title = 'The Loop of Doom'
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date = 2025-11-07T13:45:52Z
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draft = false
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It all started after I came back from my trip to Turkey. I was actually doing really good the first three weeks, or at least I think so. Actually, looking back at it, I maybe wasn't. Well I had to take like two exams and studied for them, but that was also not good enough. I have not really been able to focus on my work and studies lately. I've been feeling more down, sad, exhausted. I've been wanting to stay alone at home. To rest. And then I get stressed and sad because I'm not doing anything. I get the feeling of worthlessness a lot lately. It's exhausting.
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Funny how I loved my research, the group, the people, hanging out, trying new things. It's just funny how everything changed all of the sudden. How I don't feel anything anymore. How sad I've been. How down I've been. My cognitive functions, my memory and everything has been also badly damaged. It's just horrible.
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I've been also overthinking about my interactions and relationships with people, how they look at me, how they judge me, how they feel about me. And for some reason I tend to care a lot. This has also been extremely exhausting to me.
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I was reading about Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) last week. I brought it up in my therapy session too. My therapist said "why do you want to label things?".
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This is actually a really valid question. I don't know why, maybe because it helps me think about it less? I can put a label on it and store it somewhere in my brain? Maybe. Idk.
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This is what I call the loop of doom. MDD. I don't even know if I'm experiencing it or not. All I know is that things are not right, and I don't feel well.
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Now here is the problem. You start not performing well, then you hate yourself for not performing well, then you take it harder to yourself and it doesn't work, then you hate yourself more, and it repeats and repeats until you are completely disfunctional. Most cases that get stuck in MDD get suicidal thoughts which is horrible. Thinking about a quick relief for yourself is just forgetting the values you bring to the world.
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I'm happy that I've not been thinking about these things, the scary things. But this is the first thing doctors ask you. Just to make sure.
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It's sad because I can see it in my monthly reports, in the [PhD_journey](https://blog.alipourimjourneys.ir/phd_journey/) page of my blog. I can see how bad last month was, and I know this month has not been any better. It's just scary, and sad. I know I'm losing precious time that I cannot get back. I know at some point I'm expected to deliver results that I won't have, and I know I won't like myself when this inevitable happens.
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I really do not know what to do. I contacted my thrapist again today to see if he can help me or not. Let me list some stuff I've been told to do by my brother in the meanwhile:
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- Going for short walks
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- Doing small tasks that make me feel good
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- idk... I don't remember anything else.
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ChatGPT also gave me some advice, I'll copy it here:
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```markdown=
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# 14‑Day Reset — Daily Checklist
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**Name:** _____________________ **Start date (Day 1):** ______________ **Wake time target:** ________
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### How to use (60 seconds)
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* Each day, check **two tiny tasks**: one **Study MRD** and one **Work/Code MRD** (≤15 min each).
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* Do **2 short sprints** (start at 10 min on / 2 min off). Stop when the timer ends.
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* Log the **evening 2‑minute check‑in** in the table (mood, sleep, meds, sprints, one win).
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* If no improvement by **Day 7**, escalate with your prescriber; reassess again on **Day 14**.
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### Define today’s Minimum Reliable Dose (MRD)
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*(Write clear, tiny actions with a start line → action → done proof.)*
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* **Study MRD:** ________________________________________________________________
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* ---
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* **Work/Code MRD:** ____________________________________________________________
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* ---
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---
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### Daily tracker (14 days)
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| Day/Date | Outside 10–15m | Study MRD | Work MRD | Sprints (0/1/2) | Mood 0–10 | Sleep hrs | Meds Y/N | One win / Notes |
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| -------------------------- | :------------: | :-------: | :------: | :-------------: | :-------: | :-------: | :------: | ------------------------------ |
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| 1 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 2 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 3 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 4 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 5 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 6 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| **7 / ____ (Checkpoint)** | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | **PHQ‑9 today = ____** |
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| 8 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 9 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 10 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 11 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 12 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| 13 / ____ | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | ______________________________ |
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| **14 / ____ (Checkpoint)** | ☐ | ☐ | ☐ | 0 1 2 | __ | __ | Y / N | **PHQ‑9 today = ____** |
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---
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### Quick reference
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**Paper — 12‑min read:** 3 min skim (title/abstract/figures/conclusion) → 7 min one figure + its paragraph → 2 min 3 bullets (Claim / Evidence / Open question).
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**Code — restart protocol:**
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1. Open repo → `git status` → run tests/linter → open last‑changed file.
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2. Choose **one smallest step** (≤10 min): e.g., add a failing test, reproduce a bug, rename a variable, add a log.
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3. **Stuck 3‑step (2 min each):** talk it out / write exact error → minimal repro or tiny test → read one doc page. If still stuck after ~15–20 min, park it with the **next guess**.
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---
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### Safety net (Germany)
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* **Emergency:** 112
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* **TelefonSeelsorge (24/7):** 0800 111 0 111 · 0800 111 0 222 · 116 123
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If risk rises (can’t stay safe, intense agitation/akathisia), seek same‑day care.
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```
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Lmao. I wonder how things will progress in the future, and how I'll do. Was it really because of a failed relationship? Really? Something that never happened? I don't believe it, it's not possible. Or was it because I had the feeling of being used, and thrown away. Maybe if I kept contact I wouldn'tve these feelings. Maybe, just maybe.
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But I do feel many many other bad things also happened. Like me not getting good grades in two of my courses (both of which turned out to be outliers, with one only 20% passing the course(!) and the other having a much worse average that previous exam iterations). My paper also got rejected. My research was criticized and shat on heavily. And I felt lonely a lot since I wasn't being invited to many things other people were. I gained a lot of weight. I lost few friendships I wanted to keep. Some people I cared about started to hate me. And some of the people I considered as friends kept not including me in their plans, making me nervous that things are not right.
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Darn. That is a lot. Lot of bad things. Back to back to back.
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Ok. Let's break the loop. How can I do that? Maybe by starting new habits? By going to gym at nights? By eating healthier? By losing weight? By taking baby steps in literature review and my code? By organizing fun things with people? Idk. I really don't. But I will figure it out and make it work. I have to. I ain't, and I wasn't brought up like this. Let's fleaping go...
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I try to keep ya'll, the empty list of people, updated.
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---
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{{< sigdl >}}
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