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<meta name="description" content="Honestly, I don&rsquo;t know why I&rsquo;m doing any of this. I really don&rsquo;t.
I think for me this is a scape from reality.
A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month.
A scape from feeling used, or let&rsquo;s say abused if you will, and then thrown away.
Just like a piece of trash.
It&rsquo;s been hurting more and more.
I&rsquo;ve been lying to myself that I don&rsquo;t care.
That I&rsquo;ve moved on.">
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<h1 class="post-title entry-hint-parent">
Sadness
</h1>
<div class="post-meta"><span title='2025-10-24 12:48:31 +0000 UTC'>October 24, 2025</span>&nbsp;·&nbsp;4 min&nbsp;·&nbsp;Iman Alipour
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<div class="post-content"><p>Honestly, I don&rsquo;t know why I&rsquo;m doing any of this. I really don&rsquo;t.
I think for me this is a scape from reality.
A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month.
A scape from feeling used, or let&rsquo;s say abused if you will, and then thrown away.
Just like a piece of trash.
It&rsquo;s been hurting more and more.
I&rsquo;ve been lying to myself that I don&rsquo;t care.
That I&rsquo;ve moved on.</p>
<p>I&rsquo;ve been seeking validation ever since.
The validation that was lacking during that encounter.
The feeling of not being good enough.</p>
<p>It&rsquo;s enough grieving though.
But is it?
I tell myself I have moved on.
I&rsquo;m not chasing.
I&rsquo;m really not.</p>
<p>I do know that this was indeed the best that could&rsquo;ve happened for me.
I just dodged a bullet.
But still, there is a part of me that hurts, that grieves.
A part that doesn&rsquo;t want to move on.
I told myself that I will meet new people, and forget.
But then aren&rsquo;t I changing the problem?</p>
<p>The problem isn&rsquo;t what is on the surface.
It&rsquo;s something deeper.
The fact that I feel lonely, scared, anxious.
My anxious attachment, combined with overthinking, hurts me.
I have to analyse and see the worse in every encounter.</p>
<p>Like if I tell a group of friends that I won&rsquo;t go with them a few times, I will be removed from the group.
That if everyone is busy, they have planned something together and I&rsquo;m not invited.
That if someone doesn&rsquo;t reply to me, they hate me.
Or that if someone passes me and doesn&rsquo;t look at me or say a word, they don&rsquo;t want to see me, or don&rsquo;t want me around them.</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t know how to stop these.
I started to do more home office for this very reason, but I wasn&rsquo;t that productive.
I think my time, and life, is going to waste, and I don&rsquo;t know how to stop it.
It&rsquo;s getting annoying.</p>
<p>Taking SSRIs was supposed to help, but I guess it just made me not care during the process, and now that I&rsquo;m far along I feel the extra stress I was neglecting.
Things just don&rsquo;t feel right.
I think I&rsquo;m becoming depressed again.</p>
<p>Those message passings, though they meant nothing, were extremely helpful for me not to feel lonely.
I know if I initiate, I get responses back.
Well, maybe not.
Maybe my expiration date has passed.
But then I would be chasing bread crumbs again.
Those crumbs won&rsquo;t let me find a true good quality loaf of bread!
They keep me distracted, and make me exhausted.
But they also mentally help me.</p>
<p>Maybe I should go for coffee at different times just not to meet this person.
I don&rsquo;t know.
I just know I&rsquo;m hurting from within, and it&rsquo;s not nice.
It&rsquo;s like internal bleeding.
It&rsquo;s as painful as it gets.
It&rsquo;s as hurtful as it gets.</p>
<p>I know getting a pet could help me a lot at this point.
All of the things I want I can get from a pet.
Petting the pet, and caring for it are exactly what makes me feel good.
But then I don&rsquo;t want the responsibility.</p>
<p>Like with a human things feel less stressful, but with a pet it&rsquo;s scary.
I&rsquo;m more of a father to the pet.
Uh&hellip;
I can&rsquo;t even have a pet because of my house rules.</p>
<p>I don&rsquo;t know what to do.
What I know is that I&rsquo;m mentally hurting, and I don&rsquo;t know what to do.
I really don&rsquo;t.
I need help.
A lot of help.
A lot lot of help.
But I can&rsquo;t ask my friends.
I just can&rsquo;t.
They have their own problems.
They think I&rsquo;m weak.
They will tell me to man up.
Or they just show empathy.
But I don&rsquo;t need empathy.
I need a solution.
I need to be told what to do.
I need help.
Help.</p>
<p>&hellip; &mdash; &hellip;</p>
<p>&hellip; &mdash; &hellip; &hellip; &mdash; &hellip; &hellip; &mdash; &hellip;</p>
<p>&hellip; &mdash; &hellip;</p>
<hr>
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<summary>View OpenPGP signature</summary>
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</details><p><em>Verify locally:</em></p>
<pre style="font-size:0.85em; overflow-x:auto; padding:0.75rem;">torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/sadness.md
torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/sadness.md.asc
gpg --verify sadness.md.asc sadness.md
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if (id === "top") {
history.replaceState(null, null, " ");
} else {
history.pushState(null, null, `#${id}`);
}
});
});
</script>
<script>
var mybutton = document.getElementById("top-link");
window.onscroll = function () {
if (document.body.scrollTop > 800 || document.documentElement.scrollTop > 800) {
mybutton.style.visibility = "visible";
mybutton.style.opacity = "1";
} else {
mybutton.style.visibility = "hidden";
mybutton.style.opacity = "0";
}
};
</script>
<script>
document.getElementById("theme-toggle").addEventListener("click", () => {
if (document.body.className.includes("dark")) {
document.body.classList.remove('dark');
localStorage.setItem("pref-theme", 'light');
} else {
document.body.classList.add('dark');
localStorage.setItem("pref-theme", 'dark');
}
})
</script>
<script>
document.querySelectorAll('pre > code').forEach((codeblock) => {
const container = codeblock.parentNode.parentNode;
const copybutton = document.createElement('button');
copybutton.classList.add('copy-code');
copybutton.innerHTML = 'copy';
function copyingDone() {
copybutton.innerHTML = 'copied!';
setTimeout(() => {
copybutton.innerHTML = 'copy';
}, 2000);
}
copybutton.addEventListener('click', (cb) => {
if ('clipboard' in navigator) {
navigator.clipboard.writeText(codeblock.textContent);
copyingDone();
return;
}
const range = document.createRange();
range.selectNodeContents(codeblock);
const selection = window.getSelection();
selection.removeAllRanges();
selection.addRange(range);
try {
document.execCommand('copy');
copyingDone();
} catch (e) { };
selection.removeRange(range);
});
if (container.classList.contains("highlight")) {
container.appendChild(copybutton);
} else if (container.parentNode.firstChild == container) {
} else if (codeblock.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.nodeName == "TABLE") {
codeblock.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.parentNode.appendChild(copybutton);
} else {
codeblock.parentNode.appendChild(copybutton);
}
});
</script>
</body>
</html>
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