126 lines
8.1 KiB
XML
126 lines
8.1 KiB
XML
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<channel>
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<title>Archives on AlipourIm journeys</title>
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<link>http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/archive/</link>
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<description>Recent content in Archives on AlipourIm journeys</description>
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<generator>Hugo -- 0.146.0</generator>
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<language>en</language>
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<lastBuildDate>Sun, 10 May 2026 22:46:10 +0000</lastBuildDate>
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<atom:link href="http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/archive/index.xml" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml" />
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<item>
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<title>Face of Rejection</title>
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<link>http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/archive/face_of_rejection/</link>
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<pubDate>Sun, 10 May 2026 22:46:10 +0000</pubDate>
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<guid>http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/archive/face_of_rejection/</guid>
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<description><p>Now that I&rsquo;ve had some time to process, I think it&rsquo;s good to write down this sad experience.
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First things first, I do know that I stand by my decision.
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I strongly believe whatever the f*** our interactions were, they were not of any use for me.
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Like what&rsquo;s the point of waving at each other when we meet, say hello and ask how we are, etc., if ther is literally nothing else to it.
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If we would never enter eachother&rsquo;s social cycle.
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I don&rsquo;t know how to put the thing I want to say into words, but usually the way friendships go, at least for me, is that when you plan stuff with your friends, you tell your friends.
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Hm&hellip; ok, it still doesn&rsquo;t make sense.
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Let me think if I can say it better or not.
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Ok, let&rsquo;s say you this person X.
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Imagine you interact with person X, talk to them, etc., but then that&rsquo;s it, it is limited to &ldquo;talking&rdquo;.
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You count person X as a friend, but they are never invited to anything.
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They are kept at arms distance.
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Now I would assume it&rsquo;s fun for many many people, but me&hellip;
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I already have a small social cycle.
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It requires so much energy for me to start new connections, connections that are worth keeping.
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I don&rsquo;t want to be a docker container.
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Some isolated thing that is only interacted with when needed.
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But I think I communicated this so badly, that it came off wrong.
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To be honest, even my therapist didn&rsquo;t seem to believe me when I said I wanted to be included in her social circle.
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He though it was an attempt by me to poke her.
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I do strongly believe this wasn&rsquo;t the case, but I&rsquo;m too hurt to try to defend myself.
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I also highly doubt defending myself would work, it would just add more pressure, and harder rejection.</p></description>
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<content:encoded><![CDATA[<p>Now that I’ve had some time to process, I think it’s good to write down this sad experience.
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First things first, I do know that I stand by my decision.
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I strongly believe whatever the f*** our interactions were, they were not of any use for me.
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Like what’s the point of waving at each other when we meet, say hello and ask how we are, etc., if ther is literally nothing else to it.
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If we would never enter eachother’s social cycle.
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I don’t know how to put the thing I want to say into words, but usually the way friendships go, at least for me, is that when you plan stuff with your friends, you tell your friends.
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Hm… ok, it still doesn’t make sense.
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Let me think if I can say it better or not.
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Ok, let’s say you this person X.
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Imagine you interact with person X, talk to them, etc., but then that’s it, it is limited to “talking”.
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You count person X as a friend, but they are never invited to anything.
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They are kept at arms distance.
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Now I would assume it’s fun for many many people, but me…
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I already have a small social cycle.
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It requires so much energy for me to start new connections, connections that are worth keeping.
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I don’t want to be a docker container.
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Some isolated thing that is only interacted with when needed.
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But I think I communicated this so badly, that it came off wrong.
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To be honest, even my therapist didn’t seem to believe me when I said I wanted to be included in her social circle.
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He though it was an attempt by me to poke her.
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I do strongly believe this wasn’t the case, but I’m too hurt to try to defend myself.
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I also highly doubt defending myself would work, it would just add more pressure, and harder rejection.</p>
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<p>Now the interesting part is my reaction. “Withdrawal”.
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The lesson I learned from past experiences is that explaining yourself or trying to fix things just results in more pain for you, and nothing being fixed.
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But this was strong.
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I did not want to respond.
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In fact, my first reaction was to delete the platform, not to be able to see the message to get hurt.
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During my therappy though, I did open the message.
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I went silent.
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I tried to process.
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The weight of that was heavy.
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It became hard to talk.
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Hard to reason.
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It was just…. sad.</p>
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<p>Going forward I know that the best way forward for me is to stop any communications with her.
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It is sad, this losing of a friend, but let’s be honest, were we friends?
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No.
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Not my definition of friendship.
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And honestly, this should be a hard line for me, I don’t care how you define friendship.
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If it isn’t mutual, it isn’t good enough for me.
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I need to be more dominant, and less scared.
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My lines are my lines, and they are not to be negotiated with.
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I need to remain strong, and just let go.</p>
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<p>I just realized I did not even talk about what happened.
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LMAO.
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Long story short, there was this person who I knew for some time.
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We used to exchange messages every once in a while.
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I asked if we would be spending time together, or with each other’s social circle, which to be honest came out super wrong :))))))
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I wasn’t trying to ask her out.
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I just wanted to be included in some of the social gatherings with her social circle.
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To expand mine.
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To get to see new people.
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Call me an idiot, or whatever, but I didn’t know how to put this into words.
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And I did not do it correctly it seems as I got “rejected”.
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But as my friend says, “better a sad ending, than a never ending sadness”.
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I wansn’t trying to ask her out, but my social skills are so bad that it came so so wrongly.</p>
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<p>I do stand by my decision though.
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No more interactions with her.
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Nothing.
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I need to become friends with people that don’t keep me isolated, or stored for their needs.
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It should be mutual.
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At least, whatever interactions we had, had nothing useful for me.
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If anything, it just hurt me by showing how lonely I am.
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You can argue that is a good thing to at least figure it out, and I would argue why would I keep being fed this thing if there is no levy for me out?
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If I’m not being helped.
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If I’m being kept at arms distance.
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If I’m being isolated.
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I’m no docker process who should be kept isolated.
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I’m the kernel module.</p>
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<p>This came out weird coming from me, but it is what it is :)
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I should, and need to say “I” sometimes.
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I need to assert dominance, to show I’m in control, to show I’m happy, to show everything is fine.</p>
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<hr>
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<div class="signature-block" style="margin-top:1rem">
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<p><strong>Downloads:</strong>
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<a href="/sources/archive/face_of_rejection.md">Markdown</a> ·
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<a href="/sources/archive/face_of_rejection.md.asc">Signature (.asc)</a>
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</p><p><em>Verify locally:</em></p>
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<pre style="font-size:0.85em; overflow-x:auto; padding:0.75rem;">torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/archive/face_of_rejection.md
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torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/archive/face_of_rejection.md.asc
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gpg --verify face_of_rejection.md.asc face_of_rejection.md
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</pre>
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</div>
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