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<!doctype html><html lang=en dir=auto><head><meta charset=utf-8><meta http-equiv=X-UA-Compatible content="IE=edge"><meta name=viewport content="width=device-width,initial-scale=1,shrink-to-fit=no"><meta name=robots content="noindex, nofollow"><title>Sadness | AlipourIm journeys</title>
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<meta name=keywords content><meta name=description content="Honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing any of this. I really don’t.
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I think for me this is a scape from reality.
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A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month.
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A scape from feeling used, or let’s say abused if you will, and then thrown away.
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Just like a piece of trash.
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It’s been hurting more and more.
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I’ve been lying to myself that I don’t care.
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That I’ve moved on."><meta name=author content="Iman Alipour"><link rel=canonical href=https://blog.alipour.eu/posts/sadness/><link crossorigin=anonymous href=/assets/css/stylesheet.31b150d909186c48d6dbbf653acc2489945fa9ac2c8f8cd3fe8448e89e40fccf.css integrity="sha256-MbFQ2QkYbEjW279lOswkiZRfqawsj4zT/oRI6J5A/M8=" rel="preload stylesheet" as=style><link rel=icon href=https://blog.alipour.eu/favicon.ico><link rel=icon type=image/png sizes=16x16 href=https://blog.alipour.eu/favicon-16x16.png><link rel=icon type=image/png sizes=32x32 href=https://blog.alipour.eu/favicon-32x32.png><link rel=apple-touch-icon href=https://blog.alipour.eu/apple-touch-icon.png><link rel=mask-icon href=https://blog.alipour.eu/safari-pinned-tab.svg><meta name=theme-color content="#2e2e33"><meta name=msapplication-TileColor content="#2e2e33"><link rel=alternate hreflang=en 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title=PhD_journey><span>PhD_journey</span></a></li><li><a href=https://blog.alipour.eu/about/ title=About><span>About</span></a></li></ul></nav></header><main class=main><article class=post-single><header class=post-header><div class=breadcrumbs><a href=https://blog.alipour.eu/>Home</a> » <a href=https://blog.alipour.eu/posts/>Posts</a></div><h1 class="post-title entry-hint-parent">Sadness</h1><div class=post-meta><span title='2025-10-24 12:48:31 +0000 UTC'>October 24, 2025</span> · 4 min · Iman Alipour
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<span class=post-meta-item><a href=https://blog.alipour.eu/posts/sadness/#isso-thread class=isso-comments-link>Comments</a></span></div></header><div class=post-content><p>Honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing any of this. I really don’t.
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I think for me this is a scape from reality.
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A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month.
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A scape from feeling used, or let’s say abused if you will, and then thrown away.
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Just like a piece of trash.
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It’s been hurting more and more.
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I’ve been lying to myself that I don’t care.
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That I’ve moved on.</p><p>I’ve been seeking validation ever since.
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The validation that was lacking during that encounter.
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The feeling of not being good enough.</p><p>It’s enough grieving though.
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But is it?
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I tell myself I have moved on.
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I’m not chasing.
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I’m really not.</p><p>I do know that this was indeed the best that could’ve happened for me.
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I just dodged a bullet.
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But still, there is a part of me that hurts, that grieves.
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A part that doesn’t want to move on.
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I told myself that I will meet new people, and forget.
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But then aren’t I changing the problem?</p><p>The problem isn’t what is on the surface.
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It’s something deeper.
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The fact that I feel lonely, scared, anxious.
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My anxious attachment, combined with overthinking, hurts me.
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I have to analyse and see the worse in every encounter.</p><p>Like if I tell a group of friends that I won’t go with them a few times, I will be removed from the group.
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That if everyone is busy, they have planned something together and I’m not invited.
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That if someone doesn’t reply to me, they hate me.
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Or that if someone passes me and doesn’t look at me or say a word, they don’t want to see me, or don’t want me around them.</p><p>I don’t know how to stop these.
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I started to do more home office for this very reason, but I wasn’t that productive.
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I think my time, and life, is going to waste, and I don’t know how to stop it.
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It’s getting annoying.</p><p>Taking SSRIs was supposed to help, but I guess it just made me not care during the process, and now that I’m far along I feel the extra stress I was neglecting.
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Things just don’t feel right.
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I think I’m becoming depressed again.</p><p>Those message passings, though they meant nothing, were extremely helpful for me not to feel lonely.
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I know if I initiate, I get responses back.
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Well, maybe not.
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Maybe my expiration date has passed.
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But then I would be chasing bread crumbs again.
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Those crumbs won’t let me find a true good quality loaf of bread!
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They keep me distracted, and make me exhausted.
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But they also mentally help me.</p><p>Maybe I should go for coffee at different times just not to meet this person.
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I don’t know.
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I just know I’m hurting from within, and it’s not nice.
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It’s like internal bleeding.
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It’s as painful as it gets.
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It’s as hurtful as it gets.</p><p>I know getting a pet could help me a lot at this point.
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All of the things I want I can get from a pet.
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Petting the pet, and caring for it are exactly what makes me feel good.
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But then I don’t want the responsibility.</p><p>Like with a human things feel less stressful, but with a pet it’s scary.
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I’m more of a father to the pet.
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Uh…
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I can’t even have a pet because of my house rules.</p><p>I don’t know what to do.
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What I know is that I’m mentally hurting, and I don’t know what to do.
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I really don’t.
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I need help.
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A lot of help.
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A lot lot of help.
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But I can’t ask my friends.
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I just can’t.
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They have their own problems.
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They think I’m weak.
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They will tell me to man up.
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Or they just show empathy.
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But I don’t need empathy.
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I need a solution.
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I need to be told what to do.
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I need help.
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Help.</p><p>… — …</p><p>… — … … — … … — …</p><p>… — …</p><hr><div class=signature-block style=margin-top:1rem><p><strong>Downloads:</strong>
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<a href=/sources/posts/sadness.md>Markdown</a> ·
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<a href=/sources/posts/sadness.md.asc>Signature (.asc)</a></p><details class=signature><summary>View OpenPGP signature</summary><pre style=font-size:.85em;overflow-x:auto;padding:.75rem>-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----
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</pre></details><p><em>Verify locally:</em></p><pre style=font-size:.85em;overflow-x:auto;padding:.75rem>curl -fSLO https://blog.alipour.eu/sources/posts/sadness.md
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curl -fSLO https://blog.alipour.eu/sources/posts/sadness.md.asc
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gpg --verify sadness.md.asc sadness.md
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</pre></div></div><footer class=post-footer><ul class=post-tags></ul><nav class=paginav><a class=prev href=https://blog.alipour.eu/posts/murder_mystery_night/><span class=title>« Prev</span><br><span>La Plaza: The Falcones & the Morettis</span>
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