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public-clearnet/sources/PhD_journey/October_2025.md

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+title = "October '25"
+date = 2025-10-31T08:40:43Z
+draft = false
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+
+# 1st
+Ok, let's start the month by declareing some goals and agendas.
+
+What do I want to do this month?
+- Finish previous semester.
+- Pick the last of the course work for my prep phase.
+- Finalize the CoNEXT student workshop paper.
+- Finish my second RIL.
+- Start my 3rd and last RIL.
+- Learn more Go to become more comfortable with it, but how do I set this as a measureable goal?
+- More literature review, persumabely all of FOCI related papers this month.
+- Work on my codebase:
+    1. Do code cleaning
+    2. Add comments for code
+    3. Start working on ICMP stuff
+- More socializing! :-)
+- A fun pet project? Maybe with Go? Maybe with 3d printer? Idk.
+- Enhance your routines and add exercise to it please! 
+
+Alright. Now that the goals are set, let's start the month strong! 
+My last exam for pervious semester will be on October 7th. 
+I have done 74 ECTS, another 6 will be my last RIL.
+If they give me Router Lab, 4 of it would count as ungraded along with an advance course such as either NN, ML sec or EML I would be done with the requirements for my prep phase. 
+I then just need to do my QE for which I should submit my first paper for which I'm doing work!
+
+I have started to take SSRIs again. 
+I used to take them before I came to Germany to start my PhD, but after coming here things were going really well for many months, and I wanted to cut the medication. 
+I was taking more than just SSRIs actually, and my psychiatrist agreed to cut all other three medications but advised me to keep taking my SSRI. 
+After being all happy and things working very well, we started to cut the last piece of the puzzle. 
+We agreed to reduce the dosage by 0.25% of the max and wait for one month. 
+Things were going really well for the first two and a half month, and then it happened. 
+The catastrophe that put me in my worst mental and physicall position happened to me. 
+It's not something I want to talk about in my blog, well at least for now, but I've tried to talk about it with my closest friends. 
+It's so sad that things happened the way they did. 
+I never really fully recovered. 
+But... time has passed. 
+Almost 8 months now. 
+I should not have continued to cut my medication, but I did. 
+I damaged myself badly by being stubborn. 
+My brother who knew everything insisted that I should continue the usage, but I didn't listen. 
+My parents didn't know anything, but could see thier happy son turning into the saddest, most depressed thing of all time. 
+I was scared of my own shadow for more than one month. 
+I eventually started to go out, but seeing some certain people made me uncomfortable. 
+This is another thing I haven't been able to figure out. 
+In the end, I just endured pain, a lot of pain. 
+I'm glad I didn't break, but I do think most people would've. 
+To deal with this pain, I decided to take many courses. 
+Cure pain with more pain. 
+What a fool I was. 
+I just tore myself up mentally and added much more unneeded stress. 
+
+Did I mention I didn't show up in office for 6 weeks? 
+And that when I came back I was hit again with things I didn't understand? 
+Sometimes in life shit happens, but this was a whole new level. 
+I don't know how much of this I want to talk about publicly, but I do want to just say that I was hurt really badly. 
+I've been trying to just lay low, stick to myself, and stay the hell out of trouble. 
+
+# 3rd
+Today is the German unity day, and we have a long weekend ahead! 
+Other than that, last night was one of the most fantabolous days of my life. 
+I'm feeling more content and secure. 
+I'm feeling true happiness. 
+I don't know how much the SSRI is affecting me, but I know one thing for sure. 
+I'm just like I used to be 9 months ago. 
+Just as jolly, positive, and feeling like I'm on top of the world. 
+Thinking about it a bit more, I do think I'm being a bit less passionate about my work. 
+What could be the reason? Different priorities? Nah. I really love my research and care about it. 
+I think it's just that there is no pressure on me, and no deadline. 
+I will try to set small deadlines for myself and force myself to be more productive. 
+Oh, and the SSRI adverse effects are visible! Yeah... But it's going to be alright, I'm sure of it.
+I have an exam I need to prepare for on 7th, but I've been procrastinating. I should plan my days and stick to it. Hell yes.
+
+# 5th
+My student workshop paper to CoNEXT '25 was rejected. 
+It got one weak accept and one weak reject, with both reviewers claiming to have somewhat familiarity with the topic. 
+
+First review (wa) provided two suggestions for improving the work. 
+However, as this was a workshop paper, the goal was to talk about the research in the presentation and afterwards fine-tune details. 
+
+Second review (wr) asked for more details. 
+In the end they suggested only focusing on one approach and it's evaluation. 
+This kinda defeated the purpose of what I was trying to do, to provide "tools". 
+
+Another thing they mentioned was how ML-based traffic analysis can be used to detect evasion. 
+This is indeed something I like to work on and look at in the near future. 
+
+# 7th
+Stressful day. 
+I had my last exam, the exam for Interactive systems that I did not attend the main exam for. 
+I tried to study over the weekend, but some weird things happened throughout the weekend, making my very distracted mind even more distracted. 
+I don't know how I did, but I'm glad I did the exam. 
+Hopefully I did alright, although I kinda do know some of the mistakes I've made, which is a really bad sign... 
+I hope I won't have to take another extra course in the next semesters, that would just be annoying. 
+I really do hope so. 
+
+# 8th
+I'm back at work, still very distracted with life. 
+I do need to do literature review, expand my framework, and focus on my work. 
+It's a Wednesday unfortunately, meaning I have my German class until 9:30, which today it lasted until 9:45, and then we have cookies at 14:00. 
+I hope I can get myself together and start being productive again. 
+
+# 9th
+I will be doing literature review today. 
+Yesteday I didn't manage to get myself together. Drat. 
+There will be a nice social event later today too. 
+I can rest and socialize with my group's amazing people! 
+It'll be fun! :)
+
+Another fun thing is that I will get my very own physical GFW box today. 
+It's probably the most majestic thing that could've happened? 
+The reason for it is that a month ago there was a leak for GFW. 
+Lucky us I guess.
+
+# 13th
+Last week was again not a productive week. 
+I will start to plan my days from now on. 
+The important things are literature review, working on the code base, and looking at the box a bit. 
+Unfortunately the new semester also starts from today. 
+I'll be having one, at most two courses. 
+
+# 17th
+Another unproductive week. 
+I think this was the worst one actually. 
+I can't focus on reading the papers, I get distracted easily or lose interest. 
+Tobias suggested USENIX's 3-slide slide deck to enhance my focus, I'll give it a try. 
+
+I also need to address the elephant in the room, and start working on the codebase. 
+
+I also need to look at the GFW files more, and try to find useful stuff there. 
+
+But first I need to work on HTDN's papers, and craft the slides. That is the highest priority on my list. I'll do it. 
+
+---
+
+# 31st
+It went by. 
+It went by quickly. 
+I wasn't able to pick myself up this month, but I won't let it happen in the following. 
+I want to be truthful, so I won't hide anything. 
+the only thing is I should've let myself grief a bit, and I did. I'm proud of it. It's fine. 
+For next month, I will start strong, try to get myself together, and pick myself up. I will make progress. 
+I promise. 
+
+Also I think there is no point in me ranting everyday or every once in a while in my PhD journey posts? Maybe it's not a bad thing. The problem is I don't have much to present, and that's why this is the content. Idk if I change the structure or not, but for now it is what it is. 
+
+Ok, let's set some goals for next month in advance, then we can see how good we did. 
+- I want to work on ICMP stuff and make it work nicely.
+- I want to do more literature review, maybe read all 2025 and 2024 censorship papers. Cross your fingers for this.
+- I need to keep up with my courses, including the German class. 
+- I might work more on the GFW leaked data, but I think it's not a priority for me for now. So... scrap this last one. 
+
+{{< sigdl >}}