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content/posts/sadness.md

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+title = 'Sadness'
+date = 2025-10-24T12:48:31Z
+draft = false
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+
+Honestly, I don't know why I'm doing any of this. I really don't. 
+I think for me this is a scape from reality. 
+A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month. 
+A scape from feeling used, or let's say abused if you will, and then thrown away. 
+Just like a piece of trash. 
+It's been hurting more and more. 
+I've been lying to myself that I don't care. 
+That I've moved on. 
+
+I've been seeking validation ever since. 
+The validation that was lacking during that encounter. 
+The feeling of not being good enough. 
+
+It's enough grieving though. 
+But is it? 
+I tell myself I have moved on. 
+I'm not chasing. 
+I'm really not. 
+
+I do know that this was indeed the best that could've happened for me. 
+I just dodged a bullet. 
+But still, there is a part of me that hurts, that grieves. 
+A part that doesn't want to move on. 
+I told myself that I will meet new people, and forget. 
+But then aren't I changing the problem? 
+
+The problem isn't what is on the surface. 
+It's something deeper. 
+The fact that I feel lonely, scared, anxious. 
+My anxious attachment, combined with overthinking, hurts me. 
+I have to analyse and see the worse in every encounter. 
+
+Like if I tell a group of friends that I won't go with them a few times, I will be removed from the group. 
+That if everyone is busy, they have planned something together and I'm not invited. 
+That if someone doesn't reply to me, they hate me. 
+Or that if someone passes me and doesn't look at me or say a word, they don't want to see me, or don't want me around them. 
+
+I don't know how to stop these. 
+I started to do more home office for this very reason, but I wasn't that productive. 
+I think my time, and life, is going to waste, and I don't know how to stop it. 
+It's getting annoying. 
+
+Taking SSRIs was supposed to help, but I guess it just made me not care during the process, and now that I'm far along I feel the extra stress I was neglecting. 
+Things just don't feel right. 
+I think I'm becoming depressed again. 
+
+Those message passings, though they meant nothing, were extremely helpful for me not to feel lonely. 
+I know if I initiate, I get responses back. 
+Well, maybe not. 
+Maybe my expiration date has passed. 
+But then I would be chasing bread crumbs again. 
+Those crumbs won't let me find a true good quality loaf of bread! 
+They keep me distracted, and make me exhausted. 
+But they also mentally help me. 
+
+Maybe I should go for coffee at different times just not to meet this person. 
+I don't know. 
+I just know I'm hurting from within, and it's not nice. 
+It's like internal bleeding. 
+It's as painful as it gets. 
+It's as hurtful as it gets. 
+
+I know getting a pet could help me a lot at this point. 
+All of the things I want I can get from a pet. 
+Petting the pet, and caring for it are exactly what makes me feel good. 
+But then I don't want the responsibility. 
+
+Like with a human things feel less stressful, but with a pet it's scary. 
+I'm more of a father to the pet. 
+Uh... 
+I can't even have a pet because of my house rules. 
+
+I don't know what to do. 
+What I know is that I'm mentally hurting, and I don't know what to do. 
+I really don't. 
+I need help. 
+A lot of help. 
+A lot lot of help. 
+But I can't ask my friends. 
+I just can't. 
+They have their own problems. 
+They think I'm weak. 
+They will tell me to man up. 
+Or they just show empathy. 
+But I don't need empathy. 
+I need a solution. 
+I need to be told what to do. 
+I need help. 
+Help. 
+
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+{{< sigdl >}}