Sadness

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing any of this. I really don’t. I think for me this is a scape from reality. A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month. A scape from feeling used, or let’s say abused if you will, and then thrown away. Just like a piece of trash. It’s been hurting more and more. I’ve been lying to myself that I don’t care. That I’ve moved on.

I’ve been seeking validation ever since. The validation that was lacking during that encounter. The feeling of not being good enough.

It’s enough grieving though. But is it? I tell myself I have moved on. I’m not chasing. I’m really not.

I do know that this was indeed the best that could’ve happened for me. I just dodged a bullet. But still, there is a part of me that hurts, that grieves. A part that doesn’t want to move on. I told myself that I will meet new people, and forget. But then aren’t I changing the problem?

The problem isn’t what is on the surface. It’s something deeper. The fact that I feel lonely, scared, anxious. My anxious attachment, combined with overthinking, hurts me. I have to analyse and see the worse in every encounter.

Like if I tell a group of friends that I won’t go with them a few times, I will be removed from the group. That if everyone is busy, they have planned something together and I’m not invited. That if someone doesn’t reply to me, they hate me. Or that if someone passes me and doesn’t look at me or say a word, they don’t want to see me, or don’t want me around them.

I don’t know how to stop these. I started to do more home office for this very reason, but I wasn’t that productive. I think my time, and life, is going to waste, and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s getting annoying.

Taking SSRIs was supposed to help, but I guess it just made me not care during the process, and now that I’m far along I feel the extra stress I was neglecting. Things just don’t feel right. I think I’m becoming depressed again.

Those message passings, though they meant nothing, were extremely helpful for me not to feel lonely. I know if I initiate, I get responses back. Well, maybe not. Maybe my expiration date has passed. But then I would be chasing bread crumbs again. Those crumbs won’t let me find a true good quality loaf of bread! They keep me distracted, and make me exhausted. But they also mentally help me.

Maybe I should go for coffee at different times just not to meet this person. I don’t know. I just know I’m hurting from within, and it’s not nice. It’s like internal bleeding. It’s as painful as it gets. It’s as hurtful as it gets.

I know getting a pet could help me a lot at this point. All of the things I want I can get from a pet. Petting the pet, and caring for it are exactly what makes me feel good. But then I don’t want the responsibility.

Like with a human things feel less stressful, but with a pet it’s scary. I’m more of a father to the pet. Uh… I can’t even have a pet because of my house rules.

I don’t know what to do. What I know is that I’m mentally hurting, and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. I need help. A lot of help. A lot lot of help. But I can’t ask my friends. I just can’t. They have their own problems. They think I’m weak. They will tell me to man up. Or they just show empathy. But I don’t need empathy. I need a solution. I need to be told what to do. I need help. Help.

… — …

… — … … — … … — …

… — …

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE-----
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=VEwz
-----END PGP SIGNATURE-----

torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/sadness.md
torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/sadness.md.asc
gpg --verify sadness.md.asc sadness.md