This constant feeling of how people think about me, how they view me, what is happening with them is killing me. I’m interpretting every little move, every action, every response as me being in trouble. Not only is it exhausting, but also it’s draining me. Draining me of happiness, being in pursuit of happyness. Idk what is wrong with me. Idk why I can’t let go. I don’t know why I need so much closure. Idk. I really don’t. What I know is that I’m mentally dealing with too much. Too much for a little boy like me. Someone who got conditional love throughout his life. Someone who never experienced being loved. Someone who was trained to work hard to be loved. To sacrifice to be loved. ...

I was watching this video the other day. It’s an interesting video imo. This is something I’ve been also dealing in my therapy sessions lately too. Why am I the way I am? Why do I case so much about what others think? Why do I keep giving my best to them, though they literally do not give the slightest of shit about me unless they need something from me? Funnily enough, my therapist believes I do this as a survival mechanism. That it all comes from my childhood. Being born in a family with a high achiever dad, and brother, and being pushed to become better. Being compared to whoever was better than me in any regards all the time. The toxicity of this stayed with me throughout my life. I had to always be the best. I had to always try harder. I had to earn other’s respect. Naturally that evolved into me becoming a people please. A so called “nice person”. I’ve even been made fun of with those words. ...

4th Again, let’s setup some goals for the month. Literature review Keeping up with my coursework Working on my codebase Getting healthier diet and excercise-wise 30th I did a bit of literature review, it’s still lacking unfortunately. Coursework is ok-ish. I’ve been trying to work on assignements and understand them. I rewrote the whole codebase, now we have a modularized design that should be easier to add to. I’ve been eating more and more healthy, excercise is still lacking. I’ll get to that later. ...

The Day My Wi-Fi Said “Eight Is Enough” My apartment Wi-Fi (ASK4) has a hard cap of 8 devices. That’s adorable until you own a phone, a laptop, a tablet, a TV, a smart speaker, and even a couple of smart plugs. My solution: put all the IoT stuff behind a Raspberry Pi that shows up as one device to the building’s network, but acts like a full-blown Wi-Fi for everything else I own. ...

It all started after I came back from my trip to Turkey. I was actually doing really good the first three weeks, or at least I think so. Actually, looking back at it, I maybe wasn’t. Well I had to take like two exams and studied for them, but that was also not good enough. I have not really been able to focus on my work and studies lately. I’ve been feeling more down, sad, exhausted. I’ve been wanting to stay alone at home. To rest. And then I get stressed and sad because I’m not doing anything. I get the feeling of worthlessness a lot lately. It’s exhausting. ...

The lyrics are being played in my brain day and night. “A hopeless romantic all my life” “Surrounded by couples all the time” “I guess I should take it as a sign” But… “I gave a second chance to Cupid” “But now I’m left here feelin’ stupid” I might’ve given more than two chances to cupid. But I’m still left here felling’ stupid. “I look for his arrows every day” ...

1st Ok, let’s start the month by declareing some goals and agendas. What do I want to do this month? Finish previous semester. Pick the last of the course work for my prep phase. Finalize the CoNEXT student workshop paper. Finish my second RIL. Start my 3rd and last RIL. Learn more Go to become more comfortable with it, but how do I set this as a measureable goal? More literature review, persumabely all of FOCI related papers this month. Work on my codebase: Do code cleaning Add comments for code Start working on ICMP stuff More socializing! :-) A fun pet project? Maybe with Go? Maybe with 3d printer? Idk. Enhance your routines and add exercise to it please! Alright. Now that the goals are set, let’s start the month strong! My last exam for pervious semester will be on October 7th. I have done 74 ECTS, another 6 will be my last RIL. If they give me Router Lab, 4 of it would count as ungraded along with an advance course such as either NN, ML sec or EML I would be done with the requirements for my prep phase. I then just need to do my QE for which I should submit my first paper for which I’m doing work! ...

A practical, mildly opinionated guide to sending encrypted email that normal people can actually read.

Two dynasties in Sicily collide: a funeral party for a dead Don, a gilded heir with a fatal flaw, and a whisper-soft romance that could start a war.

Honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing any of this. I really don’t. I think for me this is a scape from reality. A scape from the sad thing that happened earlier this month. A scape from feeling used, or let’s say abused if you will, and then thrown away. Just like a piece of trash. It’s been hurting more and more. I’ve been lying to myself that I don’t care. That I’ve moved on. ...