+++
title = 'Face of Rejection'
date = 2026-05-10T22:46:10Z
draft = false
+++

Now that I've had some time to process, I think it's good to write down this sad experience. 
First things first, I do know that I stand by my decision.
I strongly believe whatever the f\*\*\* our interactions were, they were not of any use for me. 
Like what's the point of waving at each other when we meet, say hello and ask how we are, etc., if ther is literally nothing else to it. 
If we would never enter eachother's social cycle.
I don't know how to put the thing I want to say into words, but usually the way friendships go, at least for me, is that when you plan stuff with your friends, you tell your friends.
Hm... ok, it still doesn't make sense.
Let me think if I can say it better or not.
Ok, let's say you this person X.
Imagine you interact with person X, talk to them, etc., but then that's it, it is limited to "talking".
You count person X as a friend, but they are never invited to anything.
They are kept at arms distance.
Now I would assume it's fun for many many people, but me...
I already have a small social cycle.
It requires so much energy for me to start new connections, connections that are worth keeping.
I don't want to be a docker container.
Some isolated thing that is only interacted with when needed.
But I think I communicated this so badly, that it came off wrong. 
To be honest, even my therapist didn't seem to believe me when I said I wanted to be included in her social circle. 
He though it was an attempt by me to poke her. 
I do strongly believe this wasn't the case, but I'm too hurt to try to defend myself.
I also highly doubt defending myself would work, it would just add more pressure, and harder rejection.

Now the interesting part is my reaction. "Withdrawal".
The lesson I learned from past experiences is that explaining yourself or trying to fix things just results in more pain for you, and nothing being fixed. 
But this was strong.
I did not want to respond. 
In fact, my first reaction was to delete the platform, not to be able to see the message to get hurt. 
During my therappy though, I did open the message.
I went silent. 
I tried to process.
The weight of that was heavy. 
It became hard to talk. 
Hard to reason.
It was just.... sad.

Going forward I know that the best way forward for me is to stop any communications with her.
It is sad, this losing of a friend, but let's be honest, were we friends?
No.
Not my definition of friendship.
And honestly, this should be a hard line for me, I don't care how you define friendship. 
If it isn't mutual, it isn't good enough for me. 
I need to be more dominant, and less scared.
My lines are my lines, and they are not to be negotiated with.
I need to remain strong, and just let go.

I just realized I did not even talk about what happened. 
LMAO.
Long story short, there was this person who I knew for some time.
We used to exchange messages every once in a while.
I asked if we would be spending time together, or with each other's social circle, which to be honest came out super wrong :))))))
I wasn't trying to ask her out.
I just wanted to be included in some of the social gatherings with her social circle. 
To expand mine.
To get to see new people.
Call me an idiot, or whatever, but I didn't know how to put this into words.
And I did not do it correctly it seems as I got "rejected".
But as my friend says, "better a sad ending, than a never ending sadness".
I wansn't trying to ask her out, but my social skills are so bad that it came so so wrongly. 

I do stand by my decision though.
No more interactions with her.
Nothing.
I need to become friends with people that don't keep me isolated, or stored for their needs.
It should be mutual.
At least, whatever interactions we had, had nothing useful for me.
If anything, it just hurt me by showing how lonely I am.
You can argue that is a good thing to at least figure it out, and I would argue why would I keep being fed this thing if there is no levy for me out? 
If I'm not being helped.
If I'm being kept at arms distance.
If I'm being isolated.
I'm no docker process who should be kept isolated.
I'm the kernel module.

This came out weird coming from me, but it is what it is :)
I should, and need to say "I" sometimes. 
I need to assert dominance, to show I'm in control, to show I'm happy, to show everything is fine.


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{{< sigdl >}}
