How am I doing?

This constant feeling of how people think about me, how they view me, what is happening with them is killing me. I’m interpretting every little move, every action, every response as me being in trouble. Not only is it exhausting, but also it’s draining me. Draining me of happiness, being in pursuit of happyness.

Idk what is wrong with me. Idk why I can’t let go. I don’t know why I need so much closure. Idk. I really don’t. What I know is that I’m mentally dealing with too much. Too much for a little boy like me. Someone who got conditional love throughout his life. Someone who never experienced being loved. Someone who was trained to work hard to be loved. To sacrifice to be loved.

This “others” in my mind is killing me. It is so annoying to pursue people who do not give the slightest of shit about me. That has been me in the past many months. Ever since February 17th. That disgusting day. The day that was the result of last Friday of that Monday. The regrets. The sadness. The drainage.

Idk what to do. I feel like I’m stuck in this life that I don’t like, with so much that I love. Does this even make sense? Idk. I know I’m full of love, and I’m willing to give it to someone.

Few things lie. First, do I love myself? I want to say yes, but maybe the answer is no. I honestly don’t know if I’m lying to myself or not. Second, I know my therapist is worried for me. For how easy I can fall in the wrong people’s hand, and how badly I could get hurt.

He has been pushing me to solve the issue of others, and self love. To be fine with what I am, and what I have. To be fine with me. I need to work on this. I need to write more. To express myself more. Maybe I manage to figure things out that I would not otherwise. Who knows.

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torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/how_I_am_doing.md
torsocks curl -fSLO http://fjthpp2h3mj2rup25r3psmqamutnkbvxbpltlohdthw6fscgo3t6bpad.onion/sources/posts/how_I_am_doing.md.asc
gpg --verify how_I_am_doing.md.asc how_I_am_doing.md